The Lonely Hound

There is hound dog that I see every morning on my way to class. His floppy ears and droopy eyes give him the appearance of a sad, lonely dog. He sits in the same spot, at the same time of day, and watches all the traffic that passes by him. And he always sits. He never lays down, as though if he did, he might miss something. He stays close enough to the road to get a good view of everything and everyone, but he stays on the side of the ditch that keeps him safe, protected. I used to think that he was a lonely dog, desperately waiting for someone to pat his head, give him a treat, pay attention to him. I used to feel sorry for this poor hound that seemed to always be looking for that smiling stranger that would ignore the red collar declaring him "owned", and take him home to make him a member of the family. Because that's really all everyone wants, is a family. Unconditional love that can look past the occasional accident on the floor, hair all over the furniture, and slobber on the face. That poor hound wanted to greet someone at the door when they came home, to wag his tail with excitement and turn that pitiful droopy face into something that a friend would consider cute enough to hug. Poor hound.

But then one day, I realized that as I drove by, he did not watch me pass with yearning, he watched me pass with interest. He did not sit and watch the cars go by in hope, but with curiosity. That droopy face was content. He was proud to wear that red collar. It was a sign of someone's love, adoration, and unconditional devotion. He was a happy hound, and he maintained his position on the other side of the ditch as a means of declaration to his home. He had someplace to belong, and a family to wag his tail for. While I'm sure he would absolutely love some treats, he did not seek out a place other than where he already was.

Every day I pass by the same hound dog on the side of the road on my way to class. His droopy eyes and floppy ears turning to follow the passing of every car and every runner as they go about their day. I find that I look forward to seeing that hound, and search him out every morning. He makes me smile, and he makes my day just a little bit brighter.

There are times when you can see a goal, and you wish there was some faster, less stressful, less complicated way of reaching it. Most people in this situation just really don't want to put in the work. That seems understandable, but then most of the journey is lost, and the point of the whole thing becomes moot. Here's what I wish, and as horrible as it may sound, I'm just going to say it anyway: I wish I could just do it all alone, and reach the goal without having to feel tortured. I want the journey, I want the end result, but I want the ride that doesn't mean I get to walk around with a boot print on my face, or worse, my back. I want the journey that means that I put in the work I'm supposed to, not ALL of the work. The one that means that I'm not left shaken, crying, befuddled, and lonely.

So this is why I want to do it alone. Because I end up lonely anyway. Everyone else seems content to be the spectator, the consumer, but never really the benefactor. They take what they can, close their eyes to the consequences, and continue life as though nothing happened. Life was better alone. I didn't feel manipulated alone. Most of all, and ironically enough, I didn't feel lonely alone.

And this is why I don't blog very much...I feel like it's a sounding board for all of the things I say that no one hears. It's a drop box of the stresses, the anger, the resentment, the hurt, and the pitiful self-loathing that goes nowhere else. The things no one WANTS to hear, or hear with any amount of interest. I'm just here, with that smile on my face...perpetually smiling.

The Best Laid Plans...

It's snowing...finally, it's snowing. The first real snow of the year, and my daughter gets a snow day. So that I could enjoy the day with her, I came home from work. My intention: I'll take the day and spend some good quality time with my little girl, because we haven't really done that in a long time. Just the two of us...alone in the house...not to mention she doesn't like being home alone. No sooner than the school makes its determination, her "dad" is rearing to get out of work so that he can have her early, my fiance is rearing to get out of work cuz he doesn't want to be there, and now that I'm already home I'm trying to tell everyone to stay at work. No dice...fiance walks in the door about 20 minutes after I do. There goes that quality day. Waiting for my daughter's dad to call and say he's leaving work early...why do I bother. I made a simple request ("Please stay at work"), but it is apparently not one that can be respected. Now I'm admittedly grumpy, kinda bitchy, a little snarky, and just plain mad. Every damn attempt I make to spend some time just my daughter and I goes to shit. I'm just so tired of it all...seriously, when is it my turn!?!

And that was my whine for day. Enjoy the snow, everyone. I'm going to attempt to salvage what I can out of the day. And attempt to improve my mood before I really piss someone off and say something I don't really mean...or maybe mean, and shouldn't say!

Out with the old...

I love the feeling of shedding an old skin and emerging as the improved version of me. I've not changed, not really. I've just updated myself. Grown into a better version of who I used to be, still looking the same on the outside, but still so different on the inside. It's the sloughing off of the imperfections that weigh me down, the unloading of loose baggage, and the removal of the people that are toxic to the person that I try so hard to truly be. Life shouldn't be that hard. So I say screw it...shed it off and start anew. Aaahhh, refreshing! That feels so much better.

During the new year, everyone feels the need to mark some grand milestone, make resolutions (that they know they probably won't keep, and I'm no exception to this), and make a grand gesture of life alteration for the incoming year. Out with the old, in with the new! Bite me! I'm still me, I'm not going to change who that is, and I'm looking forward to being me in the New Year! Me, with modifications, additions, loss of baggage, moderate upheaval, and a really big smile on my face. I have so much to love and be excited about in my life. Why would I want to drastically alter that?

I'm getting married for crying out loud!! One of my oldest childhood friends is getting married, too. We're growing up! I'm gonna be someone's wife, and I'm gonna have a husband. I never thought I would hear myself say that! I thought for sure that I was destined to be unmarried...a SPINSTER....for the rest of my life. If I changed, then who would the poor sap marry? It certainly wouldn't be me anymore.

We are like craters on the Moon. Now, I know that the idea of us being a crater is a little distressing, but hear me out. The Moon, this satellite that does its rounds with no apparent care in the world, is just up there for us to gaze at, seemingly unchanged and ever-unchanging. Right? WRONG! Consider those craters! They didn't just appear out of nowhere. They were pounded into the surface with the force of a sledgehammer to the back of the hands. The Moon is still the Moon, but with variation. Each crater that appears changes it in some small way, but never changes what it really is. That's us as people.  We take our hits, and they make their impact, but we continue being us. We never change who we are.

And so, to tie my rambling into something that I may have actually been saying, I like to set goals for each year, and then evaluate how well I did as far as reaching them. Not life-altering, but life-improving. Last year, my goal was to find a way to go back to school. Bingo! Goal accomplished. Of course, I was setting that goal for myself for at least 5 years running. It's not like I was such a go-getter that I went all Rocky Balboa on everyone and made it happen. I am, after all, a procrastinator. Goal: procrastinate a little less. Hmmm....

This year, we nail down a budget <snort, what the hell is that? We have money to budget with??> for a wedding. Set a date, and plan. Procrastinate a little less, do homework a lot less last-minute. Note: I did not say stop procrastinating...that would have been a resolution. I said do it less...that is a goal. Seriously people, there IS a difference. Also, I would like to continue my inner debate about whether or not I re-establish contact with my mother. Conundrum....she's not really a willing participant either. Random thought: this wedding is going to be very nontraditional...two dads, no mom, non-biological sister, biological brother, and that's all just my side of the aisle. Not even the half of it to boot. We haven't touched on the groom's side...

And so, to the New Year. An event so important that we feel the need to Capitalize it, because by doing that, it is somehow more Important. Sloughing off the grittier version of me...emerging with the update. Yes, it truly is refreshing...

You'll Never Know Until You Try

In an age of blogging pretty much everywhere you turn, you'd think that someone in their 30's may have done it a time or two. Alas, this would be my first ever blog entry, and truth be told, it's more for self-therapy than for public entertainment. I guess part of me wants to believe that the way that I think and feel about things isn't crazy, or ridiculous, or just plain naive. But there are things that everyone needs to get off their chests, and well, I know how much I can talk. My rambling has got to get on the nerves of my family, my fiance, my friends, and my Facebook account. I don't think I complain, or nag. I tend to say what I need to say when I need to say it. When things bother me or piss me off, I have a lot more to say. You can see where this is going?

I'm the kind of person that needs to talk things out, to say what's on my mind in order to aid in the process of letting it go. I have to admit that I sometimes get tired of talking about it, so I know that the people around me must get tired of hearing it. Thus, I turn to blogging, a venting place in which to tell someone (or something) in no certain terms how pissed, how happy, how frustrated, and how wonderful I really am. Writing is therapy for the soul, and I'm sure the more I do it, the better I will get. It's a process, right? What could possibly go wrong?

In the past 4 months, many things have changed for me in a pretty big way. I dropped down to part-time at work and started back to school full-time, I've had hard lessons in balancing life, work, motherhood, and social life, I've lost friends, I've gained friends, I've gotten engaged, and I've witnessed my daughter's transition from child to young lady. So much happens when you're not paying attention, and I've tried very hard to pay attention to as much as possible. Not an easy feat! I've been hurt, I've been loved, and I've been lied to. Welcome to adulthood, huh?

And so I embark on this blogging journey, and if you're interested in coming along for the uncensored ride, please hop aboard. I'm happy to make your acquaintance, and would be obliged by a comment here and there. I love constructive criticism...but check your shitty attitude at the door, if you don't mind. I'm in my 30's...middle school drama is beneath me.

Till next we meet....