The Lonely Hound

There is hound dog that I see every morning on my way to class. His floppy ears and droopy eyes give him the appearance of a sad, lonely dog. He sits in the same spot, at the same time of day, and watches all the traffic that passes by him. And he always sits. He never lays down, as though if he did, he might miss something. He stays close enough to the road to get a good view of everything and everyone, but he stays on the side of the ditch that keeps him safe, protected. I used to think that he was a lonely dog, desperately waiting for someone to pat his head, give him a treat, pay attention to him. I used to feel sorry for this poor hound that seemed to always be looking for that smiling stranger that would ignore the red collar declaring him "owned", and take him home to make him a member of the family. Because that's really all everyone wants, is a family. Unconditional love that can look past the occasional accident on the floor, hair all over the furniture, and slobber on the face. That poor hound wanted to greet someone at the door when they came home, to wag his tail with excitement and turn that pitiful droopy face into something that a friend would consider cute enough to hug. Poor hound.

But then one day, I realized that as I drove by, he did not watch me pass with yearning, he watched me pass with interest. He did not sit and watch the cars go by in hope, but with curiosity. That droopy face was content. He was proud to wear that red collar. It was a sign of someone's love, adoration, and unconditional devotion. He was a happy hound, and he maintained his position on the other side of the ditch as a means of declaration to his home. He had someplace to belong, and a family to wag his tail for. While I'm sure he would absolutely love some treats, he did not seek out a place other than where he already was.

Every day I pass by the same hound dog on the side of the road on my way to class. His droopy eyes and floppy ears turning to follow the passing of every car and every runner as they go about their day. I find that I look forward to seeing that hound, and search him out every morning. He makes me smile, and he makes my day just a little bit brighter.

There are times when you can see a goal, and you wish there was some faster, less stressful, less complicated way of reaching it. Most people in this situation just really don't want to put in the work. That seems understandable, but then most of the journey is lost, and the point of the whole thing becomes moot. Here's what I wish, and as horrible as it may sound, I'm just going to say it anyway: I wish I could just do it all alone, and reach the goal without having to feel tortured. I want the journey, I want the end result, but I want the ride that doesn't mean I get to walk around with a boot print on my face, or worse, my back. I want the journey that means that I put in the work I'm supposed to, not ALL of the work. The one that means that I'm not left shaken, crying, befuddled, and lonely.

So this is why I want to do it alone. Because I end up lonely anyway. Everyone else seems content to be the spectator, the consumer, but never really the benefactor. They take what they can, close their eyes to the consequences, and continue life as though nothing happened. Life was better alone. I didn't feel manipulated alone. Most of all, and ironically enough, I didn't feel lonely alone.

And this is why I don't blog very much...I feel like it's a sounding board for all of the things I say that no one hears. It's a drop box of the stresses, the anger, the resentment, the hurt, and the pitiful self-loathing that goes nowhere else. The things no one WANTS to hear, or hear with any amount of interest. I'm just here, with that smile on my face...perpetually smiling.

The Best Laid Plans...

It's snowing...finally, it's snowing. The first real snow of the year, and my daughter gets a snow day. So that I could enjoy the day with her, I came home from work. My intention: I'll take the day and spend some good quality time with my little girl, because we haven't really done that in a long time. Just the two of us...alone in the house...not to mention she doesn't like being home alone. No sooner than the school makes its determination, her "dad" is rearing to get out of work so that he can have her early, my fiance is rearing to get out of work cuz he doesn't want to be there, and now that I'm already home I'm trying to tell everyone to stay at work. No dice...fiance walks in the door about 20 minutes after I do. There goes that quality day. Waiting for my daughter's dad to call and say he's leaving work early...why do I bother. I made a simple request ("Please stay at work"), but it is apparently not one that can be respected. Now I'm admittedly grumpy, kinda bitchy, a little snarky, and just plain mad. Every damn attempt I make to spend some time just my daughter and I goes to shit. I'm just so tired of it all...seriously, when is it my turn!?!

And that was my whine for day. Enjoy the snow, everyone. I'm going to attempt to salvage what I can out of the day. And attempt to improve my mood before I really piss someone off and say something I don't really mean...or maybe mean, and shouldn't say!