There are times when you can see a goal, and you wish there was some faster, less stressful, less complicated way of reaching it. Most people in this situation just really don't want to put in the work. That seems understandable, but then most of the journey is lost, and the point of the whole thing becomes moot. Here's what I wish, and as horrible as it may sound, I'm just going to say it anyway: I wish I could just do it all alone, and reach the goal without having to feel tortured. I want the journey, I want the end result, but I want the ride that doesn't mean I get to walk around with a boot print on my face, or worse, my back. I want the journey that means that I put in the work I'm supposed to, not ALL of the work. The one that means that I'm not left shaken, crying, befuddled, and lonely.

So this is why I want to do it alone. Because I end up lonely anyway. Everyone else seems content to be the spectator, the consumer, but never really the benefactor. They take what they can, close their eyes to the consequences, and continue life as though nothing happened. Life was better alone. I didn't feel manipulated alone. Most of all, and ironically enough, I didn't feel lonely alone.

And this is why I don't blog very much...I feel like it's a sounding board for all of the things I say that no one hears. It's a drop box of the stresses, the anger, the resentment, the hurt, and the pitiful self-loathing that goes nowhere else. The things no one WANTS to hear, or hear with any amount of interest. I'm just here, with that smile on my face...perpetually smiling.